The Heart has its own memory

Portland, Maine (USA)
May 19, 1996

My dear son, Dear A.
Today is Sunday and at 2:oo o’clock in the afternoon, we will have a ceremony for you and your family. Tomorrow, G. and I are going to the court with J., my lawyer, to sign the adoption papers. Three days after that you will be on your way to your new home.

You will have been with your mother since last Monday afternoon, a little after 3 pm. When L. came into my room, she hugged me (while I was holding you in my arms) and we both cried. I think I cried a little more than she did. I was sitting in my bed and holding you tightly in my arms. When I handed you over to her, you were fast asleep and in a very peaceful state of mind.

I wrapped you in one of the white cotton Kimonos my mother sent me from Germany. You looked like little Buddha. Very, very cute and sweet. But most of the time I felt reminded of E.T. It made me smile. I hope you don’t feel offended.

When you will wake up you will be looking into another woman’s eyes. In L.‘s eyes. I wonder about that moment. I wish I could see your eyes.

A few days later, on Thursday morning, I spoke to L. on the phone and for the first time, we were more relaxed and open with each other. We had a good long talk. She told me that you’d adjusted to your new mother already: Your would turn and respond to her voice and L. told me that it felt so right that you were with her. She was afraid (a little) that that would hurt my feelings but it didn’t because the way she said it felt right and good to me.

Everything is falling into place.

After the ceremony I would like to go with your mother and her sister to Pine Point Beach and make some pictures. It was the first beach I saw here in this country. It was Monday, Oct. 11, 1993. I fell in love with this country around this time. I want this to be the first beach for you as well, and I would like to show L. the Portland Head Light at Fort Williams in Cape Elizabeth. So that she goes back home with some nice memories.

But first my wish for you:

That the spirit of love may always be with you. That you will always be guided from within you and that you respect and acknowledge the guidance and advice that comes to you.

There is no doubt in my mind that you will have a good and happy childhood but once you start to realize consciously who you are, who your parents are – all the four of them -, who your sister and who your brother is that you take pride in everyone of them. And that you take pride in where you are coming from.

That one day you might think and feel that having two sets of parents is the coolest thing in the world. Or at least it feels natural to you.

And that everyone of them is available to you when you ask for them.

I hope that you learn to love this country as much as I do. And that one day you get to know Germany. It’s very beautiful and you might learn to appreciate it.
I am anxious to learn if you’ll ever have an interest to learn the German language. We’ll see.

I also wish
The love
For all the light in this world
For Father Sun, The Moon and the Stars;
The respect
For the darkness in this world
That you are not afraid of it
And you don’t hate or resent it
And that you don’t have to deny it
Because it’s part of our lives
And that’s ok.
The love
For Mother Earth
For the trees, the flowers and the grasses in the field
For the mountains and the oceans
For the little streams and all the waters.
The love
For music, sound and poesy
And all the arts.
I’m proud of you my son.
You are a courageous soul.
You went on your way
When you were 3 days old.
That’s very brave.

But before you leave
I want to hold you one more time
I want to dress you one more time
And make some pictures with my new camera
And listen to some music with you
While I’m holding you tightly and
Just be with you
For one more moment
Then I have to let you go.
I want to kiss you everywhere
And gently breathe in your sweetness
Your pure love
And being in this world.

I want to thank you my son
For everything you gave me.
For all the people who entered my life
Because of you
And I want to send all my blessings
With you and your new family –
The …. Family.
And although I cry
While I’m writing this
And I’m full of tears
My heart is full of gladness.

Your mother
Loves you
Always
Stefanie

There’s one more thing:
Just never forget:
You are not special because no one is.
There is no one better or worse than you in this world.
You are a regular human being like everyone else and it’s entirely up to you what you make out of your life and I wish you Good Luck with that.