I couldn‘t see myself as a mom. Soon after I realized the full implications of having been diagnosed with Tuberous Sclerosis, it must have been somewhere around my 17th birthday, I went to see my mother’s gynecologist. It happened to be one of my first visits. He most likely expected me to ask for the pill. I, however, wanted to get sterilized. At first, he didn’t seem to take me seriously. When I told him why, he was very concerned and he sent me together with my parents and my siblings for genetic counselling. As it turned out, I am considered to be „a spontanous mutation“. Somewhere along the way I lost my spontaneity somewhat completely. The counseller recommended not to get sterilized. The likelihood that the responsible genes would be identified in about 10 years was fairly high. That was in the 1980s. And because I was still so young, I might change my mind down the road. I left it at that.
When I got pregnant, I happened to be in a foreign country with a Tourist Visa, having no income of my own, far from settling anywhere with anyone with anything. I was 28/29. No drugs, no rape. Sorry about that.
Even though I was hoping that I was misdiagnosed, I never concealed the fact that I was diagnosed with TS and that there would be a 50% chance that my child would be affected by it. And anyone who was familiar with the disease knew that there was no way in telling beforehand how my child would be affected.
Very soon after I realized that I was pregnant, I set up an appointment for abortion because there was no way of having this child at that particular moment in my life.
However, I did not keep the fact that I was pregnant all to myself. I talked. I needed to talk. To friends. One of them asked me: Have you ever thought of adoption? And recommended a lawyer to me.
The more I looked into that avenenue of placing my child for adoption, the more I felt that this would be the way to go. It felt so right for me to do just that.
When I consulted with an adoption agency and talked about my concerns regarding the adverse effects TS might have, the director told me: You’d be surprised, Stefanie, that I have several families on my list, who’d be glad to adopt a child with special needs.
That was the green light. I cancelled my appointment for the abortion.
I had already fallen in love with the soul that had attached to my body and I strongly felt that he needed to live.
Little did I know what this decision implied.
In so many ways I am so grateful, having chosen this path. It is not for everyone. Let me tell you this. And I fully understand when a woman goes ahead with an abortion.
I gave what I was able to give.
Being a Birthmom.