Wiesloch (Germany), May 2018
Dear A., Happy Birthday to you!
On a day in May you were born. 22 years ago. It is time for me to reach out to you again. Where are you now? How are you? Who is taking care of you? Are you safe? Do you have everything you need? Are there moments / things in your life that you enjoy? – I would like to know.
I would like you to know that there is not a day in my life that I don’t think of you. I want you to know that your birthday is always a special day for me. In the first years of your life sorrow and pain prevailed. Later on, each year I did something special on your birthday. Christmas has always been challenging.
I want you to know that I had a different life for you and I in mind. No really. I pictured you as a fully healthy you. I was convinced, or better, I wanted to believe that the one medical doctor I consulted with was right when he questioned the diagnose and I would be just fine. Yes, I was hoping for the doctors to be wrong. And if they happened to be right, I was hoping for you to belong to the 50% who aren’t affected by TS. Or if not so, at least you’d be a a mild case just like myself.
I am sorry my son for your suffering. I saw you crying at the top of your lungs. Helpless standing next to your bedside when I visited you back in 2002. I haven’t seen you since.
When I was pregnant with you, I was inspired by the book „Dear Birthmother: Thank you for our Baby“ by Kathleen Silber and Phyllis Speedlin. It didn’t even occur to me that we would have anything else but an Open Adoption. It seemed the most natural and healthiest way to do this. No, it seemed the only way to go. Khalil Gibran’s words „On Children“ inspired me. Parents do have ideas. They set intentions but life has something else in stock for their offspring. Why should it be any different for a birthmom?
I would like to let you know if there is anything I can do for you, I would and I am hoping that I will learn from you before we meet again in Heaven.
With Love,
Your Birthmom